Marriage in Islam is solemnized with a few simple words, yet these words have great consequences. First, two parties will, in reality, be joined and bound together in such a way that they will be closer and more intimate with one another than anyone else in the world. Second, with these words, a new brick in the foundation of society will be laid since the basis of every society is the family.
This is, in fact, the most important outcome of a marriage; namely, that two individual persons become something more—they become a family. Everything else that results from marriage, whether having children or satisfying human needs, is secondary to this fact. First and foremost, marriage means the creation of a new family.
According to the central tenets of Islam, marriage is one of the most important duties for believing men and women. This is because one of the pillars of human existence is the formation of the family unit, which can only be achieved through marriage. This is why we see that all peoples, religions, and cultures believe in some form of marriage. The institution of marriage is not something unique to Islam and each form of marriage is valid for its people. It is for this reason that if, for instance, a non-Muslim couple go on to embrace Islam, their pre-existing marriage is deemed valid; they are still husband and wife and their children are legitimate. We do not say that they need to get married again [in a manner prescribed by Islam]. This is because Islam respects all marriages in other religions and sects, because the principle of marriage, namely an honourable contract between a man and a woman to start a life together, is considered a respectful act in all religions.
Marriage and Sanctity
Normally, a marriage ceremony is a religious ceremony. Christians marry in churches, Jews marry in synagogues, and even though Muslims do not usually marry in mosques, their marriage ceremonies are often conducted on sacred sites; if this is not possible then at least an attempt is made to have them on significant religious days and conducted by religious scholars. Moreover, these religious scholars try to sanctify the occasion with words from the sacred texts. Marriage, therefore, has a religious tone to it and there is an aspect of sanctity that can be found within it.
However, marriage in Islam comes with certain conditions; these conditions not only strengthen the marriage but also direct it towards firm values. What does this mean? It means that by entering the state of marriage we renew our own vows towards God and our religious obligations; we start a family with God in mind. That is why Islam has specified certain acts of worship for every Muslim to perform on their marriage night, including supplications and prayers.
Uninformed individuals assume that marriage is only about fulfilling one’s physical desires, even though clearly that is not the case. Fulfilling physical desires is a natural and necessary aspect of human life; not only is there nothing wrong with it, but it is a positive act in and of itself. However, fulfilling these natural desires must be done with the remembrance of God and in the manner that God has prescribed. For example, when we eat food, we begin by invoking the name of God by saying “bismillāh” (lit., “with the name of God”) and we end by thanking God saying “al-ḥamdu lillāh” (lit., “all praise belongs to God); there is no human activity more natural than eating. So when we create a family, we should do this in a way that renews our vows with God, meaning that we remember the promises we have made to God. The first step of this must be to implement them within the institution of marriage. Clearly then, it is very easy to obtain divine reward for an act that also fulfils our natural desires. By simply recognizing that it is the sunnah (practice) of our Prophet (ṣ) and by intending to follow this sunnah, we can earn divine reward for getting married.
Importance of Marriage in Islam
Marriage is of vital importance in Islam. Even though it is not counted amongst the obligatory acts, it has been recommended to such an extent that God’s insistence on it is clearly visible. The reason for this, of course, is that union is a natural desire. As Islam attaches great importance to man’s natural desires, it directs these desires towards a healthy fulfilment—namely, marriage. Both women and men have sexual desires, which should not be left free and without limits; such desires are in need of direction and regulation, which are enshrined in marriage. This is emphasized by the following key narration:
مَنْ تَزَوَّجَ فَقَدْ أَحْرَزَ نِصْفَ دِينِهِ
One who marries, has protected half of his religion
But which half of their religion have they protected? Part of this is that aspect of religion that is threatened by sexual desire. Sexual desire can damage one’s religion, affect one’s faith, and lead one astray. The only way to prevent this from happening is to fulfil these needs and not suppress them. But how is this to be done? Through the proper medium, of course, and that is marriage. This is the importance of marriage.
Such a relationship is not only found in humans; it exists amongst other creatures and is a means for their reproduction and survival. In other words, we can find something similar to human marriage in plants and animals as well. But because man has been granted an intellect and free will, specific rules have been legislated with respect to marriage. These exist to demonstrate the importance of this union between two people and their hearts, a union that is going to create a new element in man’s social environment. Such rules regarding marriage are not only found in Islam, but amongst all peoples and creeds. But it is Islam that endeavours to make these arrangements simple and straightforward. It is no wonder then that Islam gives an immense amount of importance to marriage and encourages all people, men and women, to (1) get married, (2) to look after this new social structure created by marriage, and (3) to hold the marriage together; all three of these aspects are highly emphasized in Islam.
The Right Time for Marriage
It is essential that we keep Islam’s view of marriage in mind, which strongly encourages the youth to get married. It is wonderful when our young men and women marry at an early age, as soon as they feel the need to do so. We are not insisting that the earlier it happens, the better; rather, we are saying that whenever a young person feels the need to marry, that is the right time for them to do so. Whether that young person is a girl or a boy, you must not let them grow too old.
The Prophet of Islam (ṣ) would encourage people—both girls and boys—not only to marry, but to marry young; of course, it would be out of their own decision and not because they are coerced into it. Today, we need to encourage this same culture of marriage in our societies. Youth should get married while they are still young and full of energy and excitement. This goes against those people who believe that young marriages do not last; in fact, the opposite is actually true. If it is established with care, a young marriage will be both long lasting and healthy, because the couple will share a strong bond with one another.
Putting off marriage until the onset of one’s middle age is common practice in Western culture; but, like most other practices prevalent there, it is wrong, it is against man’s fiṭrah (his God-given innate disposition), it runs counter to the general welfare of mankind, and it actually stems from libertinism and promiscuity. Among the foreign customs that have found their way into our society is the European-inspired idea that a young man needs to have completed his studies and secured a job (and not just any job!) before marriage. This is similar to the idea that a girl should not get married soon after adolescence, but rather must first become a grown woman and experience the world before settling down for marriage. These are irrational customs originating from Europe. The Western practice of getting married later in life is not because they feel that young people do not have sexual desires; in fact, they are completely aware and accepting of the fact that human beings have sexual needs. The problem is that they believe these young individuals can satisfy their needs freely during their youth. But this is precisely what we consider corruption and sin, and it jeopardizes the state of a society as a whole.
This is why the bond of marriage in modern European culture is not a very strong bond. Compare this to traditional families where couples live together for fifty, sixty, or even seventy years, and when one of them dies, the other mourns them for a long time. The foundation of such marriages is affection; these couples are intimate with one another and do not look outside of their married life for the satisfaction of their sexual needs. However, this is not the case with a typical Western couple or family, which lacks a strong foundation, breaks apart easily, and wherein divorce is commonplace. Even when an actual divorce does not take place, one can still speak of a ‘divorce’ in practice. Without wanting to generalize, many husbands and wives have already spent most of their youth without the need for their partner and then get married after having satisfied their hunger. Even then, they do not restrain themselves to their family life. They are neither here nor there. The only thing that connects them is a room, an apartment, a physical space; it is not a meaningful bond or a spiritual tie that unites them together. Hence, there is nothing familial about their ‘families’.
When they get old—and they age quickly (for a sixty year old is a ‘senior’ according to them)—they no longer enjoy life; but our sixty year olds here count their grandchildren and great grandchildren—now thirty, now thirty-two! This is not the case with many of them because their marriages were not built on love and warmth from the beginning; initially, there was distance, inattentiveness, and an already-satisfied hunger. Of course, I am not saying that all of them are like this, nor am I saying that all of our families here are warm and full of love; I am speaking about what is prevalent in the two societies. What is prevalent in our society is different from what is prevalent in theirs. However, that lifestyle has now infiltrated Muslim lands, but we should know that this is contrary to the teachings of Islam.
Islam says that it is best for young men and women to marry at an early age—as soon as they start feeling a desire for the opposite gender—and to form a family. What are they waiting for? We have a tradition which states the following:
شِرَارُكُمْ عُزَّابُكُم
The worst of you are the ʿuzzāb amongst you.
It is essential that we keep Islam’s view of marriage in mind, which strongly encourages the youth to get married. It is wonderful when our young men and women marry at an early age, as soon as they feel the need to do so. We are not insisting that the earlier it happens, the better; rather, we are saying that whenever a young person feels the need to marry, that is the right time for them to do so. Whether that young person is a girl or a boy, you must not let them grow too old.
The Prophet of Islam (ṣ) would encourage people—both girls and boys—not only to marry, but to marry young; of course, it would be out of their own decision and not because they are coerced into it. Today, we need to encourage this same culture of marriage in our societies. Youth should get married while they are still young and full of energy and excitement. This goes against those people who believe that young marriages do not last; in fact, the opposite is actually true. If it is established with care, a young marriage will be both long lasting and healthy, because the couple will share a strong bond with one another.
Putting off marriage until the onset of one’s middle age is common practice in Western culture; but, like most other practices prevalent there, it is wrong, it is against man’s fiṭrah (his God-given innate disposition), it runs counter to the general welfare of mankind, and it actually stems from libertinism and promiscuity. Among the foreign customs that have found their way into our society is the European-inspired idea that a young man needs to have completed his studies and secured a job (and not just any job!) before marriage. This is similar to the idea that a girl should not get married soon after adolescence, but rather must first become a grown woman and experience the world before settling down for marriage. These are irrational customs originating from Europe. The Western practice of getting married later in life is not because they feel that young people do not have sexual desires; in fact, they are completely aware and accepting of the fact that human beings have sexual needs. The problem is that they believe these young individuals can satisfy their needs freely during their youth. But this is precisely what we consider corruption and sin, and it jeopardizes the state of a society as a whole.
This is why the bond of marriage in modern European culture is not a very strong bond. Compare this to traditional families where couples live together for fifty, sixty, or even seventy years, and when one of them dies, the other mourns them for a long time. The foundation of such marriages is affection; these couples are intimate with one another and do not look outside of their married life for the satisfaction of their sexual needs. However, this is not the case with a typical Western couple or family, which lacks a strong foundation, breaks apart easily, and wherein divorce is commonplace. Even when an actual divorce does not take place, one can still speak of a ‘divorce’ in practice. Without wanting to generalize, many husbands and wives have already spent most of their youth without the need for their partner and then get married after having satisfied their hunger. Even then, they do not restrain themselves to their family life. They are neither here nor there. The only thing that connects them is a room, an apartment, a physical space; it is not a meaningful bond or a spiritual tie that unites them together. Hence, there is nothing familial about their ‘families’.
When they get old—and they age quickly (for a sixty year old is a ‘senior’ according to them)—they no longer enjoy life; but our sixty year olds here count their grandchildren and great grandchildren—now thirty, now thirty-two! This is not the case with many of them because their marriages were not built on love and warmth from the beginning; initially, there was distance, inattentiveness, and an already-satisfied hunger. Of course, I am not saying that all of them are like this, nor am I saying that all of our families here are warm and full of love; I am speaking about what is prevalent in the two societies. What is prevalent in our society is different from what is prevalent in theirs. However, that lifestyle has now infiltrated Muslim lands, but we should know that this is contrary to the teachings of Islam.
Islam says that it is best for young men and women to marry at an early age—as soon as they start feeling a desire for the opposite gender—and to form a family. What are they waiting for? We have a tradition which states the following:
شِرَارُكُمْ عُزَّابُكُم
The worst of you are the ʿuzzāb amongst you.
ʿUzzāb means someone who feels the need to marry but has not done so. It applies to both males and females. According to the ḥadīth, they are the worst of people.
Choosing a Spouse
Islam offers us guidance with regard to how to manage a marriage, and this includes guidelines on how to choose a spouse. Whom we choose to be our marriage partner is certainly an important issue. As such, Islam has envisioned a particular set of criteria for choosing a spouse which can be contrasted to a set of ‘mindless’ (jāhilī) criteria, which emphasizes reputation, title, wealth, profession, etc. Those who are infatuated with this world look for worldly qualities in choosing a spouse such as education, wealth, and appearances. Even though these things are naturally attractive and people like them, none of them are necessary ingredients for a happy marriage. What makes someone happy in their marriage is being with a partner who has aptitude, goodness, religion, purity, and honour. These are the ingredients for a lasting and happy marriage.
There is a narration that says that if someone marries a spouse because of their beauty or wealth, it is possible for God to take these away. In other words, wealth is a fleeting quality. We see individuals who are at the peak of their wealth and success lose it all at the turn of a moment. Mahathir Mohamad, one of the leaders of an incredibly rich country in Asia with many wealthy citizens, told me that they became poor overnight. It truly was the case. Of course, the kind of poorness he was referring to was related to the politics of nation states; in his words, due to an economic and financial game, thousands of wealthy merchants suddenly found themselves in the dirt. In a single night, the wealth of thousands of people turned into ashes, to be carried off by the wind.
Beauty, whether it relates to man or woman, is much the same as wealth. It is not an enduring quality and it can vanish with any small incident—an injury to the face, a complicated childbirth, an illness, and a thousand other incidents, major or minor, that could materialize for a person. How many individuals do we know who after being known for their beauty lost it after age got the better of them? Therefore, beauty is not a permanent quality. In addition, a person could become accustomed to beauty, and once that occurs, the attraction is lost.
Hence, the attributes that are important in marriage include honour, morality, etiquettes, and religiosity. This is why they say: when you want to choose a spouse—whether a boy or a girl—choose one who is pure and honourable so that God may bless the marriage. The narration that discourages choosing a spouse based on beauty or wealth continues with the following remark: if you seek religion and piety through marriage, God will grant you beauty and wealth. I once asked myself how God can give beauty after having already made a person the way he is. I can understand how a poor person might become wealthy, but how does a person gain beauty? Does God actually transform a person into a beautiful one? What did the Prophet (ṣ) mean when he said that God would give you beauty? Then all of a sudden I realized what it is that creates beauty—it is love. When God puts love in someone’s heart, even the ugliest face is made beautiful to his eyes. As the poet says:
When you gaze through Majnūn’s eyes / you see in Laylā nothing but beauty.
It is said that Layla was unattractive and Majnūn was wretched and deplorable; but what love did was to make them see one another as beautiful and caused them to love each other dearly. Whether this legend is true or not, its story remains.
The point is that when God plants the seed of love in a person, beauty accompanies it. This is because beauty is in the eyes and heart of the beholder. When a man loves a woman, he will find her beautiful even if she is not what is commonly considered to be attractive. Likewise, if a man hates a woman, he will never find her attractive regardless of how pretty she really is. So if marriage is based on God-wariness (taqwā) and purity, and the pristine hands of men and women are brought together in wedlock, the love that soon enters the equation will melt away all troubles. Everything will seem sweet and pleasant. As the poet says:
When love comes along, tell burdens to go away
Islam says there are only two things you need to consider when getting married. First, the person you choose to marry should be religious, modest, and decent—i.e., her spiritual side should be strong. Second, you should marry on the basis of need. As soon as a man feels like he needs to get married, he should propose to a girl who is modest and decent. Likewise, the girl should take as her husband a modest and decent man. This is sufficient. Pursuing beauty, career, status, family, social convention, or wealth is not what Islam envisions through marriage; in fact, it prohibits this.
It has been narrated that during the time of the Prophet (ṣ), there was a non-Arab man named Juwaybir. He was unbecoming in appearance and possessed no wealth or status within Arabian society. Perhaps there was barely anyone in all of Madinah who was as poor and destitute as he was. Yet the Prophet (ṣ) told him to ask for the hand of the beautiful daughter of one of the richest and noblest families. Juwaybir did not protest and say, “Who am I to ask for her hand in marriage? I am but a poor, unattractive, and worthless person.” He did not think this way. He knew that he was a Muslim man and that is what is important. Yes, the girl’s father had his faith tested and refused the man. But the girl was strong and devoted to the faith, just like the women who supported this revolution. As soon as she found out that the Prophet (ṣ) had sent this man to propose, she turned to her father and said, “Why did you send him away?” What was this girl thinking? In her mind, he was a Muslim man and she was a Muslim woman, and that was sufficient for them to be a match.
A Muslim is a Muslim’s compeer and a believer is a believer’s compeer. This is the Islamic criteria for marriage.
There are individuals who assume that their daughters should only marry someone who is at the same level as her. When they are asked what they mean by ‘level’, they say, for example, “If we are at a certain level of income then he should also be at the same level or perhaps slightly higher. If we have a particular social standing, then he should match that.” Or they may say, “since our son has a degree, she should also have a degree, or at the least, a diploma.” What is the need for all of this? What is there to prevent an educated woman who is a medical doctor from marrying a young religious man even if he never studied in high school? Who says they cannot come together in marriage or live happily? What law prevents this? Why are people always looking for a girl who looks a certain way or whose father has a particular social standing? There is no need for this. Islam does not accept these criteria because Islam insists on emphasizing spiritual values.
Islam encourages us to seek decency and chastity; incidentally, this is what actually brings about sweetness and joy to our lives. We mentioned the narration that if someone chooses a spouse because of her wealth or beauty, God can keep these qualities with her or take them away. This is how reality operates. Many people become wealthy and then lose it all; many people are beautiful but their beauty fades. But the tradition also says that if you choose your spouse based on his or her religious devotion, you will be given wealth and beauty, and this is not because God will change the way they appear, but the way you feel about them. When you are filled with love and affection for someone, they become beautiful in your eyes. Beauty has more to do with your heart and your gaze than your partner’s face.
Similarly, if a person is poor, God will provide for him wealth. But wealth does not mean that he will become financially rich; ‘wealth’ here means that he will be able to live his life in comfort and contentment and without difficulties. When young people are approached regarding marriage, they say, “but what will we do about an income and a home?” But these have always been the barriers that stand in the way of our fundamental life choices. God says in the Qurʾān:
إِن يَكونوا فُقَراءَ يُغنِهِمُ اللَّـهُ مِن فَضلِهِ
… If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His grace … (Nūr, 24:32)
In other words, God will suffice them when they get married. Marriage will not bring about additional difficulty in their lives; on the contrary, God will enrich them with his grace. This is what God Himself says. Hence, we must pursue the values that Islam has emphasized for us.
There is a tradition in which Imam al-Sādiq (ʿa) tells someone who wants to get married, “Do you know you are looking for a lifetime partner? A person with whom you are going to spend your whole life. So pay attention to whom you choose! Check her morals, religiosity, and modesty before you go ahead with it.” This is the type of spouse we need to choose. In another narration, it says that the most successful of men is one who is granted a wife by God, such that whenever he looks at her, he finds joy and happiness, and whenever he is absent from her, she protects his trust—the trust of his wealth, his secrets, and his dignity.
Those of you who have already chosen your spouse, you must now hold fast to your choice. Realize the worth of this bond and protect the institution of marriage.
Marriage in the Qurʾān
Regarding man and woman within the framework of marriage, the Qurʾān states:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
“And of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find rest in them, and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect.”
(Rūm 30:21)
Therefore, one of God’s signs is that He made for you, spouses from your own kind—i.e., like you; for you men, he made women; and for you women, he made men. They are from you, “from your own selves.” They are not from a different kind of species, nor do they belong to a different level, nor do they have different capacities; they are all from one origin, one source, and one reality. Of course, they are different in some respects but this is because of the different responsibilities assigned to them.
Next, the verse says, “that you may take comfort in them.” The fact that the human species is composed of these two genders is not without reason: it is to provide peace and tranquillity. This means, for example, when you are by the side of your other half in your home—a man beside his wife and a woman beside her husband—you should feel at peace. A man feels relaxed when he comes home to a peaceful environment and has a kind, loving, and trustworthy wife by his side. And a woman feels happy and calm when she has a husband who is like a firm fortress—in so far as a man is physically stronger than a woman—for her to lean on and rely on, and who loves her dearly. The family environment is what provides this for both man and woman. A man can only find peace by having a wife, and a woman can only find peace by having a husband—“that you may take comfort in them.” So both partners need each other to attain peace and tranquillity and mankind’s most important need is peace. Mankind’s happiness depends upon finding spiritual peace and being free from spiritual anxiety and conflict. This kind of peace can be provided to a man and a woman through married life.
The next part of the verse is quite beautiful. It says: “…and He ordained affection and mercy between you.” This is the proper relation between man and woman: affection and kindness. It is to love each other and to be kind towards each other. Love with violence is not acceptable nor is kindness without love. The divinely inspired nature of man and woman within the context of the family is a nature that creates an inclusive relationship; this is the relationship of “affection and mercy.” That which holds the family together is this very affection.
The Paragon of Marriage: ʿAlī and Fāṭimah
The best of all the daughters in the world and the best of all the sons in the world married each other with a customary dowry (mahr al-sunnah) that followed the example set by our Prophet (ṣ) and a very plain and simple marriage-gift. The life of Imam ʿAlī (ʿa) and Fāṭimah al-Zahrā (ʿa) should stand out as a model for us. The Commander of the Faithful, the best of all youth, married young and married the best woman to have ever lived. The worth of this man and the worth of this woman are incomparable to all the young men and women in the world. Moreover, Imam ʿAlī (ʿa) was not just the greatest youth from a spiritual point of view; he was also a heroic warrior on the battlefield. And Lady Fāṭimah (ʿa) was not just any daughter; she was the daughter of the most important man in the Islamic world of that time. Yet, a girl with such a position and a boy with such a status, married with a humble dowry and a humble marriage gift.
Do not surmise that just because this was a long time ago, there were no excessive dowries or marriage gifts, or that people at that time did not engage in this kind of behavior. In those days, much like today, when the daughter of an important tribal leader or a girl from a wealthy family was married, many elaborate gifts were prepared. For instance, some individuals would set the dowry for their daughters to be heavy gold coins, a hundred camels, a thousand dinars, or even ten thousand dinars. It was, in fact, one of the hallmarks of the Age of Ignorance (Jāhiliyyah), which the Prophet (ṣ) put an end to.
Both the Prophet (ṣ) and Imam ʿAlī (ʿa)—i.e., the families of the bride and groom—were considered nobles amongst the Quraysh; they were amongst the most honoured and magnanimous families of the Quraysh. Even though they were not bound to worldly matters, such as wealth and pride, they still enjoyed the highest status amongst the people of their time.
The groom in this wedding was the Commander of the Faithful (ʿa) who, even at this early stage of his life, had won great successes and made glorious accomplishments. The bride was none other than Fāṭimah al-Zahrā (ʿa), the daughter of the Prophet (ṣ), the most important man in Madinah; she was preeminent amongst all of the women in this nascent Muslim community. There should remain no doubt, that both the bride’s family and the groom’s family knew all about extravagance and dowries, but because they devalued worldly matters, they did not sully their spiritual union with such trivial things. Money, gold, and worldly wealth were far too insignificant to play any role in such a momentous occasion.
So what dowry did Fāṭimah al-Zahrā (ʿa) receive? What was her marriage gift? How was her wedding? Her dowry consisted of those few things recorded in the books of history: a reed mat, a brush made of palm fibres, a set of bedding, a quern, a jug, and a bowl. If you want to know the value of her dowry in today’s currency, it would be just under twenty dollars! Of everything she was given as a marriage gift, there was nothing worth even so much as a normal item of clothing today. Now this is something to emulate. It was not that the Prophet (ṣ) could not provide more for his daughter; had he wished, there were plenty of companions who would have happily brought any amount of money or furnishings as a gift to the bride and groom; but the Prophet (ṣ) did not want this. The Prophet (ṣ) chose a simple marriage gift and a humble dowry for a reason; he wanted others to learn from it. We know now that in the Prophet’s (ṣ) household, all the young men and women did not marry with a dowry higher than the one established by the Prophet (ṣ) (mahr al-sunnah). They did not ensnare themselves with appearances.
We do not have the capacity to do what they did, but they have made the path clear for us. They have given us the key for embarking on our married lives together. There is no way we can compare our lives to theirs; we do not expect anyone, not even ourselves, to match the Prophet’s (ṣ) Household in this regard. Nonetheless, they represent the pinnacle and we must strive as best as we can to walk towards it, seeking closeness to it.
Let us not turn our gaze to those who represent the satanic pinnacle on the opposite side and who hold extravagant weddings. They existed in the Islamic era as they exist today. When Maʾmūn, the Abbasid Caliph, got married, he showered his wife with boxes of gold. This was in addition to the jewels, gold, and sweets that were distributed during the wedding ceremony. When the guests opened up these boxes, they found deeds for the ownership of property and lands. Of course, these lands and properties were usurped from others in the first place and were now freely being given away. When wealth is gained through illicit means, it is spent extravagantly. In fact, they had gone to such excesses that even Maʾmūn agreed it was a waste. It was precisely these excesses that would cause Islam to suffer defeat for many centuries after him and become the victim of the onslaught of many nations.
An Islamic Occasion
Our advice to the brides and grooms and to their families is to try to make the marriage ceremony an Islamic one. To ‘Islamicize’ the marriage ceremony does not imply that there is no celebration, joviality, merrymaking, or the opportunity to host guests; on the contrary, an Islamic marriage, like other marriages, contains elements of celebration, joviality, and enjoying guests. In fact, having a feast (walīmah) for the marriage and inviting others as guests is recommended (mustaḥab) in Islam. When we say that the marriage ceremony should be ‘Islamic’ we do not intend to remove these elements; rather, what we mean to say is that prior to the wedding ceremony, during it, and after it, nothing should be done that is against Islam. Now, as soon as we say “against Islam”, one automatically thinks of inappropriate gender interaction, forbidden types of music, etc. Of course, these are “against Islam” but so are many other things. For example, extravagance is against Islam. Hence, when we are excessive in our food and drink, when we are excessive in spending, and when we are excessive in ornamentation—i.e., whenever we go beyond the acceptable limits—these are all forms of extravagance and are religiously forbidden. Unfortunately, this definitively forbidden tendency is widespread amongst the people to one extent or another. They turn this occasion of marriage—something that could actually bring about God’s favour on them—into a sin through their extravagances, their violations, and their merging of this noble act with the forbidden deeds that they perform. Inappropriate gender interaction is not the only thing forbidden in Islam; excessive spending is also forbidden; extravagance is also forbidden; making the have-nots feel bad is definitely forbidden in some cases; using illicit income in order to prepare the marriage gift is also forbidden.
Some people spend a fortune on a wedding dress. What is the need for this? If it is worn for one night, you can rent a dress as some people do. There is nothing wrong with this. It is not shameful in the least, despite what others may think. What is truly shameful is when a person pays an exorbitant amount of money for something that they only wear once and has no need for after. A one-time use! This is especially shameful when we are aware of the situation of some people who are truly destitute.
If marriage ceremonies are held in a way such that a large portion of the population feel they cannot live up to that standard, then daughters will remain in their parents’ homes and sons will remain unmarried. This is a sin and we should see it as that. Sometimes, we are so focused on the minute sins that we forget about the greater ones.
This anti-Islamic practice is often spread by those individuals who do not need to worry about their finances. They rent expensive and extravagant halls to hold such ceremonies and to invite guests; they buy noticeably expensive clothes and perform unnecessary things that no one has done before in order to outdo others. There are times when something is innovative and original, which adds beauty without being costly, and there is nothing wrong with this. However, there are times when large sums of money are spent for such things, and this is wasteful; it is ostentation and can be very dangerous. It is precisely because of such ostentatious displays that many of our young men and women are deprived of marriage. All of these heavy dowries, expensive marriage gifts, and extravagant get-togethers have caused young men and women to remain without a partner. When Islam instructs us to do something, there is always a wisdom behind it. Islamic law and all of the divine teachings spring from divine wisdom. I honestly believe those who make life difficult for others—by holding such extravagant weddings, setting high dowries, and preparing expensive marriage gifts—will face a severe accounting with God.
The problem with extravagance does not only arise for those who spend without having the means; it is a problem even if you have the means but spend it wastefully. In fact, it is normally those who have money who are the most wasteful. This is one problem. The other problem is that it fosters a sense of competition and jealousy in other individuals. Consequently, those who cannot attain the same standard, whether it be the bride, the groom, or their families, will feel deficient. There are so many young men and women, who even after marriage, feel inadequate and dissatisfied, develop an inferiority complex, and become bitter all because of the wasteful spending of the wealthy. Countless marriages are delayed for this reason and young men and women remain unmarried. These are the two essential problems with extravagance, although if you dig deeper, you will likely find many more auxiliary problems. When you are extravagant, you are harming not only yourself but others as well—the young men and women that are affected by your excess. You are bringing yourself down in the eyes of the Prophet (ṣ) and the Imam of the Age (ʿa). Therefore, I strongly advise you to make your marriage ceremonies as simple as possible.
These extravagant functions in big hotels with lots of expenses were what the supporters of the Shah’s regime used to do, whereas we used to host our weddings in our homes in one or two rooms. If we did not have space, we would ask the neighbours to help us. We would put out some sweets and fruits; we sat, talked, laughed, joked, and had lots of fun. In comparison, the Shah and his people—whose presence we no longer need to tolerate thank God—were not satisfied with simple weddings; they organized large, expensive, and elaborate functions in hotels. Now that we have replaced their regime, we must not follow in their footsteps. If we do, we will become just like them. Some may surmise that we should avoid this only if we cannot afford it; but once we have the means, there is nothing wrong in having such grand functions. This is not what true logic dictates.
Marriages and festivities are good in and of themselves. Even the Prophet himself (ṣ) had a wedding celebration for his beloved daughter where people rejoiced and recited poetry and the women clapped; it was a happy occasion. Therefore, having a wedding celebration, rejoicing, offering food, and being happy are all good things; there is no problem with it. If anyone tells me that wedding festivities are occurring in any corner of our country and a group of people are happy and rejoicing, I will be happy too. But extravagance, excessiveness, and ostentation are wrong; we must be careful that they do not creep into our festivity. Inviting guests for a wedding feast is good, but it should be short, simple, modest, and honourable. Set up a simple get-together, warm and cordial, and invite some family and friends—a few friends of the bride, a few friends of the groom, and a few friends of the parents. Then share some sweets together, make conversation, and spend half a day in merriment. At the end, you may return to your homes while the newlyweds go to theirs. This is how it should be. But extravagance and waste is not good; in fact, sometimes more food is thrown out at weddings than is actually eaten! We must put a stop to this. For those couples getting married, be careful to avoid this because there is no need for it. All of the pressure on the families of the bride and groom are unnecessary.
Strengthening the Marital Bond
Marriage is a divine blessing, and every blessing deserves gratitude. The gratitude owed for this blessing is to strive in safeguarding the marriage bond and not to let trivial affairs, grievances, pointless accusations, excessive argumentation, and cutting exorbitant expenditures disrupt it and threaten the integrity of the family—a family that was formed through the marriage contract. By reciting the formula of this contract, which is a conventional matter, a certain bond forms between the couple. As such, the husband and wife must exert their utmost effort in preserving this bond.
At this stage of life, which is the most important and significant of any person’s life, everyone wants the marriage to begin with health and happiness. But it is up to the two of you, the couple, to make sure that it begins this way and stays this way. A couple must abide by the following criteria: anything that weakens the foundation of marriage should be abstained from. For instance, unnecessary complaints, high expectations, or excessive strictness would spoil the intimacy and cut off relations in a family. You cannot gain intimacy in your marriage life with money, power, or anything else. So do not let this sacred relationship be ruined by complaints and misery, greed and expectations, lack of affection and emotional distance, or the interference of others in your married life. The point of utmost importance here is that both parties of the marriage try their best to protect this marital bond.
How can you protect this bond? Of course, people who are wise and sensitive realize that they must protect it through mutual trust and affection; they must neither force their opinions on the other nor expect too much from them. They must be each other’s closest friend and companion if they are to protect the family structure. If both parties do what is expected of them, then this marriage will not only be blessed, but by God’s will it will increase in blessings. Its fate lies in our hands.
One kind of blessing in marriage takes shape when both the man and the woman feel that they have certain responsibilities and obligations towards one another that must be observed. Begin this new stage of your life with this in mind; in marriage, each one of the couple completes the other and neither is whole without the other. You must never assume that one partner is more important than the other in order for the marriage to work. For example, some people say that the man is more important and dominant whereas the woman is subordinate, or vice versa. We do not agree with this. Neither partner is dominant nor subordinate; rather, the combination of the two, side-by-side, is what matters. Both partners need each other, not only sexually but also emotionally, spiritually, and religiously. A woman gives comfort to a man and a man brings security to a woman. Neither person should think they are better than the other. Each couple is like the two hinges of a door; without one, the other would be ineffective. A couple is like a compound word, meaning that if you take away one part of it, the other part makes no sense. This is what being a couple means and you must enter married life with this perspective in mind.
Being Grateful for Marriage
Protect and appreciate this bond, and know that it is a divine blessing. Everything that you have is from God:
وَمَا بِكُم مِّن نِّعْمَةٍ فَمِنَ اللَّـهِ * ثُمَّ إِذَا مَسَّكُمُ الضُّرُّ فَإِلَيْهِ تَجْأَرُونَ
Whatever blessing you have is from Allah, and when a distress befalls you, you make entreaties to Him. (16:53)
It is very important to pay attention to this blessing just as you would for other blessings. Sometimes, individuals do not appreciate the blessings they have, just as others do not appreciate the importance of what is happening when they get married. It is as if they have attended someone else’s social gathering; there is some momentary frivolity and joy, but that is all! It should not be this way. Marriage comes with vows and commitments; but with these commitments, come blessings that make them ever so sweet. Some people get married, are blessed with a good spouse, and have a lovely life, but fail to see what a huge blessing this is. When they do not see this, they forget to be thankful to God and therefore deprive themselves of the divine mercy that comes along with being thankful. People need to recognize how blessed they are.
Now how can we be grateful for such a blessing? Sometimes we only give thanks verbally while our hearts do not share the sentiment! This kind of gratitude is done merely out of habit and has no value whatsoever. In cases such as these, our words go no further than our lips and they will definitely not find a way to the Divine Throne. But there are also times when we truly appreciate the blessing and are thankful to God from the bottom of our hearts. To recognize that God has blessed us and to be truly grateful for it is indeed precious. However, when we are giving thanks to God, we also need to somehow demonstrate this gratitude. Now that God has granted us this blessing, what can we do?
God does not expect much from us in return for the blessings He has granted us; He does not ask us to go and perform some difficult task as compensation. The only real expectation God has of us in return for His blessings is that we look after them. This is not asking for too much. Since God has endowed us with this blessing, He simply wants us to treat it well. In Islam, this just means abiding by family ethics and principles. How should we live our life so that it is a good life? Much has been said about this in many books and in different languages, but here I would like to present a portion of it.