The Role of the Family in Society
My first piece of advice is that you give importance to the idea of forming a family. One must emphasize the role and position of the home; it is unthinkable that a person should have no home or place of comfort. Every person needs a home and a homely environment, and the soul of this environment is the family. We must give this issue importance and reflect over it. There are conditions, obligations, and etiquettes at this stage, and this brings about both rights and responsibilities. The most prominent aspect of this is the formation of a new social order. Although marriage brings about many benefits for men and women alike—birth of children, fulfilling desires, etc.—the pivot around which all of these revolve is the family bond. This is the core principle.
Therefore, all of your efforts must go into protecting this bond, for it is like adding a new cell into the ever-changing cells of a societal body. Your cells are always changing, and you need a constant influx of new cells so that your body lives and grows. By forming a family, you are adding a new cell to the body of society; so try your best to make sure that this cell is healthy, happy, energetic, and a source of pride and success for its society. Each family is a cell in a societal body. When that cell is healthy and prosperous, the body of society is healthy. This does not mean that if a cell is healthy or unhealthy, it will affect the other cells; however, it does mean that if the individual cells are healthy, then the body as a whole will also be healthy. The body is comprised of cells. Every organ is a collection of cells. So if we can keep the cells healthy, we have guaranteed the health of that organ. This is how important marriage is.
If you want marriage to be this way, then you must follow the religious etiquettes and limits that have been prescribed for the family; anything that helps to protect the new family bond is good and pleases God. On the other hand, if, God forbid, something shakes the foundation of this bond, then that thing is something harmful and should be avoided. Marriage is not like the other events in a person’s life; rather, it is a whole new stage of living and a crossroads. Some people who have set out on this journey and find themselves at a crossroads are not able to make it through on the “straight path” due to their own situation, that of their spouse, or the general conditions of their family. However, others are able to make it through. If you wish to traverse through the “straight path”, you should follow the religious guidelines and give importance to the family ethics that the divine religion has mandated. The very first of these is to appreciate the value of this new bond.
The family is a source of tranquillity for a human being, and no one can truly enjoy the sweetness of life without a tranquil family environment. Each family is a centre for the growth and nourishment of several souls. If you break up the family unit and have the children raised by friends and associates, as opposed to being raised within the family unit, they will not grow well. If you take them and place them in an institution or a day care like an incubator for chicks, where a [foreign] person is tasked with nurturing them, they will not be raised as human beings. This is simply the nature of a human being. God created human beings in a way that is very different from other creatures. There are some species of animals in which the newborn never sees its parents; some parents die after releasing their eggs and this is their nature. And whether these animals meet their parents or not, they will still grow up to be just like them. But humans are not like this.
God created man as a learner; he must learn many things. Moreover, if he is brought up in the company of his parents—with their love, their friendship, and their attention—then he will not be devoid of anything from a spiritual point of view. However, if from a young age, he is taken from his small [personal] environment and placed in a large [impersonal] one, he will not blossom as this flower is meant to blossom. This is the particularity of man and it is why God has placed affection into the hearts of parents for their children, because it is precisely this affection that will nourish that child. Such affection is part of human nature; this is why it exists and why every child has an affectionate relationship with his parents. The love and affection that you have for your children is the same love and affection that your parents had for you; it is also the same affection that your child will have for his or her children in turn. This affection comes from marriage, which is the foundation of the family environment.
A family is a “good word” (kalimah ṭayyibah); the particularity of a “good word” is that wherever it appears, it becomes a constant source of goodness and blessings, influencing everything around it. A “good word” includes any God-given gift that is based on a true foundation. Each family is a micro-society; initially, it is made up of a man and a woman and gradually expands with the arrival of children, then grandchildren, just as a tree grows and gains new branches and leaves and then bears fruit. God loves such micro-societies.
It is impossible for an Islamic society to progress—especially in terms of its culture—without the foundation of healthy, happy, and energetic families. Therefore having a family is essential. Now some may object to our words by saying that the West seem to be progressing despite the loss of the family structure. However, the effects of the ever-more prevalent destruction of family life in the West cannot be seen immediately but will eventually become apparent. Global and historical changes do not reveal their effects right away; rather, they do so over time. But the effects have already begun to take shape.
When the West reached the height of its advancement, it still had strong family values. Even in matters of sexuality there were some ethical codes—albeit different from the Islamic codes but valid in their own right—that they abided by. Any individual familiar with Western history is aware of this fact both in Europe and later in America. There were codes for social interaction between the two sexes; the concept of modesty and preventing situations that could lead to accusations of indecency existed as well. However, unconstrained libertinism has gradually become the norm in the West; its seeds were sown then and the result is what we see today. The present situation, likewise, will result in a hard and bitter tomorrow for that society.
Why does the West expend so much effort to promote hedonism in Eastern countries in general and Muslim countries in particular? One reason is to shatter the family unit and weaken their cultures in order to dominate them. Until and unless the culture of a nation is weakened, it is not possible to bridle it, to put reins on it, to mount it, and then to steer it. Losing one’s cultural identity leaves a nation defenceless and at the mercy of foreign invaders. It becomes easy for enemies and imperialists to do this when the foundation of the family in a society is undermined.
When the family unit is shaken, social ethics are affected; the solid, age-old practices that bring felicity to a nation and that are the result of centuries of collective experiences, quickly vanish. As you know, each society develops a particular series of values based on the wise contemplations of its forerunners and sages—if they are divine—and these become the basis of that society. These codes of conduct—such as being faithful to one another or being trustworthy— are upheld by the people, irrespective of whether or not they are written down. However, when the family unit is destroyed, these traditional values cannot be passed on from one generation to the next. Children cannot inherit any of these values from their parents. Faith is not passed down; and neither are spiritual virtues and attributes. This is a major loss for any society and is the direct result of the break-up of the family.
A society devoid of the family is an agitated society, a restless society. It is a society in which the cultural and intellectual heritage cannot easily be transferred from one generation to the next. When a society lacks strong families to form its foundation, even its best centres for bringing up children cannot nourish them.
A good family, then, is one in which both partners are kind, faithful, and intimate with one another; they show one another love and affection; they look out for one another; and they respect and give importance to each other’s best interests. This is the first step.
Next, they feel a sense of responsibility towards the children that are born into their family; they help them maintain their physical and spiritual wellbeing; they educate them, encourage them to engage in certain things and keep away from other things, and imbue virtuous qualities within them. Such a family becomes the source of all true reforms in a country. This is because individuals in such a family are nurtured well and are raised with good qualities such as bravery, intelligence, thoughtfulness, responsibility, kindness, confidence, decisiveness, altruism, and nobility. Now, if a society is composed of people with such excellent qualities—i.e., if they are altruistic, noble, brave, intelligent, thoughtful, and effective—that society would seldom face a calamity. A society composed of such families will be reformed and protected. If a reformer rises up in the community, he would be able to reform that society through the existing families; but if there were no [stable] families, even the greatest reformer would not be able to reform such a society.
The Family Institution
Islam wishes that such an institution be created. The genius of Islam, as with all genuine religions, is that it directs man’s sexual desire and the desire for companionship (the two being distinct in so far as the latter is more general than the former) towards making a family. These religions have set up the institution of the family and ensured its preservation in such a way that it is supported by man’s desires. At a certain age, some people may lose their sexual appetite, but the desire for companionship with the opposite gender remains strong. This applies to both men and women. A home is the source of one’s tranquillity. This is why Islam and all religions have made these natural desires the foundation for forming a family.
Now, if people were free to satisfy their natural desires in whatever manner they pleased, it would lead to one of two consequences: either it would be fulfilled without the blessing of a family, or if a family was formed, it would be a weak, vulnerable, and empty one—a unit that would collapse with the slightest breeze. This is why wherever you see a nation that promotes complete sexual freedom, the family unit is weak, because men and women in that country do not need the institution of the family to fulfil their desires. In contrast, when you see a nation that is governed by religion and where libertinism does not exist, a man and a woman will find everything they need [through marriage] and, hence, this institution will be preserved.
If men and women engage in sexual activities outside of the house—in their social gatherings, at work, at school, or at other inappropriate venues—the greatest harm that can come about is that the strong bond between a man and a woman and their family as a whole will be torn to shreds. A man or woman who satisfies his or her sexual desire outside the context of the family will not find the prospect of forming a family as attractive as would a chaste couple—i.e., a man who knows no other woman as he knows his wife, and a woman who knows no other man as she knows her husband.
Wherever hedonism or libertinism takes root and ethical ruptures appear, the rupture of the family follows suit. The result of this can be clearly seen in the Western world of today, especially in countries where permissiveness is more widespread. In these places, the term ‘family’ does not carry its normal connotation. If our media would report more news from the West about its growing family crisis and the real situation of men, women, and children living there, our own people would realize that the strong fabric of the family in our society is in fact a tremendous blessing.
Family: an Abode of Peace
The Qurʾān describes the relationship between a man and a woman with the word sakan, which means a source of rest and tranquillity. When we say ‘rest’, we do not wish to contrast it with a state of motion (since motion is something good); rather, we wish to contrast it to a state of agitation. Sometimes man is stricken with agitation in life and it is this sakan which gives him the repose he needs so that he does not become distraught in that situation.
There are a few verses of the Qurʾān that we need to pay attention to in this regard. The first is from Surah al-Rūm:
وَمِن آياتِهِ أَن خَلَقَ لَكُم مِن أَنفُسِكُم أَزواجًا لِتَسكُنوا إِلَيها
And of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find rest in them … (Rūm, 30:21)
In other words, one of the signs of God’s divine power is that he created the human race—i.e., men and women—in pairs so that this can be a source of tranquillity for them. This is not exclusive to men such that one supposes that God created women for the tranquillity of men; rather, it is a mutual benefit—i.e., God created men for the tranquillity of women as well. This is what forms the family atmosphere. The inner precincts of the family are permeated with a spirit of peace for both the man and woman who live within it.
Another verse is from Surah al-Naḥl, in which God says:
وَاللَّـهُ جَعَلَ لَكُم مِن بُيوتِكُم سَكَنًا
It is Allah who has made your homes as a place of rest (sakan) for you … (Naḥl, 16:80)
These homes that God has made into a place of rest ostensibly refers to the family habitat.
In Surah Aʿrāf, God says:
وَجَعَلَ مِنها زَوجَها لِيَسكُنَ إِلَيها
… and made from it its mate, that he might find comfort (yaskuna) with her … (Aʿrāf, 7:189)
God gave us spouses from ourselves so that we can find repose and peace by their side. The kind of peace that a husband finds with his wife, or at home, or in a safe and serene family environment is one that he cannot find anywhere else.
Life is a struggle. In fact, the entirety of a human being’s lifespan is one long struggle. It can take on different forms: struggle with nature, struggle with various obstacles in society, and struggle with one’s own inner soul. Man is forever struggling. Even the human body is constantly locked in a battle with potentially harmful organisms and elements; when it has enough strength to fight them, it remains healthy. This struggle in every man must be proper, orderly, in the right direction, and undertaken with the right tools. It must also have a base and an asylum. This struggle is like a journey and the way station or resting stop is the family habitat. A man must feel this repose when he is with his family.
Whether you are a man or a woman, you will face battles and struggles in society, at work, and at school since life is full of struggles. Even if a woman is a housewife and not working outside, she will still face struggles in her life and in her interactions with other people. In all aspects of life, the human being must struggle—there are things he desires but cannot obtain. We are forever struggling to overcome obstacles, and as these obstacles wear us down and sap our strength, we need a haven in which to recuperate, and this haven is nothing other than the family. The family environment is a person’s haven of tranquillity and centre of peace.
Men and women, each in their own way, have struggles in their daily tasks, in education, in employment, and in social, political, and humanitarian activities for the sake of God. They each need a shelter in this big society, not only to rest their weary bodies, but also their minds and souls—and that shelter is the family.
It is in this context, that the role of a woman becomes clear, because only she can create a family environment filled with love, gentleness, and affection. It is like a pool of fresh, clean water. When an exhausted person smeared with dirt enters a pool of water, it rejuvenates him, invigorates him, and washes away the grime from his body. The family sanctuary is no different—when an individual tainted with the dirt and grime of social activities enters his home, it cools him down, refreshes him, and grants him repose. Only a woman can provide this when she puts her heart into her home.
The family and its warm environment is the place where a man’s inner agitations can be pacified. A family is a small assemblage—it begins with two and gradually grows with God’s blessings; even if it multiplies into a family of ten or fifteen, its subsistence is still dependent on those two initial members. This small assemblage is like an ocean. You have seen how a river flows—it flows wildly, raving from side to side, colliding with and eroding its banks … until it reaches the ocean. The ocean is where the river water comes to a rest. All that fervour and agitation is transformed into peace in the ocean. This is what the home can do.
Every individual, regardless of gender, experiences distress due to unforeseen incidents, unexpected difficulties, and long tiring hours at work. This distress—whether it is psychological, emotional, mental, or physical—can lead to agitation and restlessness within a person. Hence, when a man enters his house, the family environment should be a sanctuary of peace; this is how God has envisioned the family. The same is true for women, regardless of whether she works outside the house or within the house. In fact, contrary to what some people assume, working at home can be more difficult than working outside—it can be physically and mentally more taxing since she is managing the household. Like everything else, it has its challenges and these challenges can bring about stress. Women must put up with the difficulties of life—jealousy, inconsideration, belittlement, and backbiting—not to mention the difficulties of doing the housework and caring for the children. All of these are sources of distress for a woman who stays at home; so when her husband comes home it is as if her godsent reliever has come to rescue her. The family habitat now becomes a garden for both of them. Is this a negative thing? It is the most basic necessity for any human being and every couple should strive to achieve this. Of course, this will not magically spring into being; it requires preparation and effort. But it is not impossible. When both the husband and the wife utilize their intellects, they will succeed.
All men and women must strive to foster this peaceful family environment; neither of them should be the cause of disturbing this peace. An immoral man, an ill-tempered woman, an over-critical man, a demanding woman … these are the types of people who can ruin the tranquillity of the family habitat and prevent the actualization of the verse “that you may take comfort in them.” Islam has the power to intelligently transform the lives of individuals into a kind of heaven on Earth as long as its teachings are followed properly; but if the husband and wife disrupt this abode of peace by overstepping the bounds, engaging in unnecessary argumentation, and being inappropriately critical of each other, there will be no peace remaining.
The Qurʾān foresees the possibility of peace and repose for the husband and wife when it says, “you may take comfort in them.” But what does ‘repose’ mean? Repose is when a person finds a moment of relief, a safe harbour from all the stresses of life that are inevitable in this world. A husband and wife that stand right beside each other and are truly a pair (zawj) will seek refuge in each other during these times of distress—the woman will turn to her husband and the man will turn to his wife.
A husband caught up in the tussles of a man’s world is in need of a moment of peace in order to recuperate and continue with his obligations. When is that moment of peace? It is when he enters the precincts of his family—a place brimming with love and affection. When the man encounters his wife and feels united with her, that is his moment of peace and comfort. It is the same for a woman. In the tussles of a woman’s world—regardless of whether she is working at home, in the public sphere, or involved in various political or social activities—she encounters many challenges and difficulties.
Recognizing the Value of Domestic Work
A woman’s responsibility in the house is in no way less important or less taxing than her public responsibilities; if anything, it is quite the opposite. Managing the house is a vocation—a great vocation, an important vocation, a precarious vocation, and a vocation that will build the future. Having children is a difficult undertaking and raising them is not an easy task. Consider any type of work that seems strenuous; compare it to raising children and you will find it easy. Raising children is truly an art. A man would have extreme difficulty doing it for even a day, yet a woman bears this task with great precision, determination, and finesse every day. God has truly endowed her with tremendous ability in this regard. Nevertheless, raising children is undoubtedly a struggle that can wear out a person and bring them to their knees.
A woman plays a pivotal role in the family; but this does not absolve the man from having duties or responsibilities within his family or downplay his role within it. A man who is unconcerned with his family, who has no real attachment to it, who is engrossed in amusement, and who does not appreciate the hard work of his wife is undermining the family ambience. A man must recognize the value of a woman in her house. Society must recognize this value. It is imperative that we give particular importance to the work that a woman does inside her house. There are some women who had the opportunity to get a job but chose not to; there are some women who had the opportunity to pursue higher education, but opted against it; there are some women who already possessed degrees in higher education—and I know examples of these women—but they all decided to focus on their children and provide them a good upbringing instead of pursuing a career. The career they gave up was not left vacant for it was filled by other candidates; but those women decided to focus on something else. It is the value of this type of woman that we need to appreciate.
As the managers of the family, women have to put in a lot of hard work and energy to run the household as a unit. A homemaker is someone who has full control over the running of the household and the family environment. It is a tedious and delicate job, and only a woman’s finesse can meet the challenge. No man can take account of all the intricacies involved nor even begin to understand them. However, God has created this finesse within the nature of women.
Consider the following analogy: If one wants to dig out rocks from the ground, a person with large hefty fingers would be suited for this job. If this same person is now asked to handle or pick up tiny gems, he may not be able to. Similarly, a person with fine delicate hands may not be able to dig out a large rock, but he would be able to gather tiny gems from the ground. Men and women are like this; each have responsibilities and it is not possible to say one partner’s responsibility is harder than the other; both are difficult and both are necessary. When a woman becomes stressed from the tussles of life, in so far as her soul is delicate, she is in need of relief and comfort, not to mention a stronghold that she can rely on. That stronghold is her husband. This is how God has put the two together. If they are able to keep the family ambience healthy, these two will remain together.
Some people wrongly suppose that if we equate a woman’s primary work to that which takes place within the household, this is demeaning for women. This is not demeaning at all; on the contrary, the most important work for a woman is to keep life going for the family. There are two fundamental elements in a family: the man and the woman; the former is the worker while the latter is the caretaker. If the woman wishes to become a worker and seek an income, there is nothing in Islam preventing her from doing this; however, this is not her responsibility nor is it something that is required of her. That which is required of her is to protect the living ambience of the collective family; initially, this collectivity includes only the husband and wife, but later it proceeds to include all the children as well.
One of most crucial needs of a human being is a calm family environment. When a man and a woman come together to make a family, they must show kindness and affection to one another; this mutual love and affection fills them both with peace and gives them the energy to continue with their lives. When the wife feels that her husband is beside her and she can rely on him, and when the husband feels that his wife is on his side and loves him, then all the agitations of life are subsumed in an aura of peace. This is the meaning of the Qurʾānic term sakan.
If the husband and wife are both compassionate and act according to what is right, then this state of sakan will begin at the onset of marriage and continue, God-willing, until they are an elderly couple. Of course, there may be differences in tastes or preferences, but these are not important and will not disrupt the state of peace in the family.
A woman should know that sometimes her presence can touch a man’s soul more so than anything else can. She can bring warmth to a man’s heart, grant him hope in life, and encourage him to continue his efforts. She has the capacity to even infuse a man with strength and that is how important her role is. A man also has a similar effect on a woman. Now, there may be a time when a man comes home in an irritable mood. In this situation, a wise and experienced woman will not react to his irritability. If she can do this, and respond to him with love and a smile, gradually she will be able to open up the knots of his irascibility and incivility through the charm of her love and see what he truly needs.
Natural Human Desires
When we speak of creating tranquillity within the family, there is an element that is often ignored, and that is the natural sexual desire that everyone has for the opposite gender. Islam directs this instinctual desire to support the formation of the family. In other words, it states that an individual is not permitted to use this resource of the sexual drive anywhere other than within the family; its domain lies within the family. It is true that this desire is a human need and it should be fulfilled, but when it is used to support the foundation of a family, it now becomes a solid factor in preserving the longevity of the family. It is imperative to realize that if a husband or wife, God-forbid, uses this resource elsewhere, it will weaken the family foundation to the extent that it is utilized outside its precincts. On the surface, the face of the family may remain the same, but the basic building material of the family—i.e., the love, affection, attachment, and attraction between the man and the woman—will subside. This will bring about the same malady that is unfortunately being witnessed in most western families, particularly in America and Northern Europe.
A man and a woman may appear to be in the same family; their names are both written on the same marriage document. Religiously they have said the words and performed the marriage rituals, but the essential binding material between them is missing. This is because they have spent the valuable reserves of their natural desires elsewhere; what was meant to be the fuel of the family has been used in other places. In fact, they do not even feel the need for each other. They may address each other with titles such as “my dear”, but these are mere words on the tongue. This is the same kind of “my dear” they could use to announce a divorce: “my dear, I would like to file for divorce.” It means nothing. The word that we use in Persian, azīzam, which carries all the meanings of honour and respect does not exist in the English “my dear” which has become a norm nowadays.
Occasionally, such couples have school-aged children at primary and secondary levels who barely get to see the family together. Their lifestyle is not like ours whereby we get the opportunity to sit around the sufrah or dining table together—one passes the bread, the other asks for some food on his plate, while another asks “what about my food?” This is a sweet and amusing experience. The common table talk that occurs—“Why did the food turn out like this?”, “How come you didn’t make that today,” “Could we have pasta for dinner?”—are words that those without a close-knit family never have the joy of hearing. Instead, the lady of the house gets a sandwich from her workplace or goes out to a coffee shop to grab something to eat with a colleague; the man has his own plans; and the children wander about aimlessly, and purchase whatever ready-made snacks they can find to fill their stomachs. Then they go loitering around inside their school and outside their school until they return home. If they do not find their parents at home, they go out again or spend their time watching television.
Since even these families realize that their situation is less than ideal, and in order to give a kind of routine to their lives, they set aside special times for the family to be together. But this is a contrived and artificial family ambience. It is an environment in which the man is constantly checking his watch so as not to be late for his night out with his friends or to go watch a movie; the woman has her own plans, and the children have made arrangements with their friends. They are all waiting anxiously for this family time to end. This is the extent of the disorder the family unit has reached in some places.
Now, there are some newspapers that keep ranting about the rate of divorce in our country. Let us assume that divorce has increased significantly, which could be the result of many foolish mistakes; however, it is not because of the dangerous lifestyle that dominates in the West. With the grace of God, we still have the binding material of love within our families. As long as this basis of sexual desire—which makes the man and woman dependent on each other—remains within the family, the individual will have protected half of his faith [through marriage] as the ḥadīth tells us. This is because man’s lust can rob him of half of his faith. It is a tragic truth that man’s innate sexual desire can steal half of his faith at any moment of his life from youth to old age. Hence, if you can contain this sexual desire, this influential devil, in a container and cap it, and let a part of it out when you need to and only within the marriage, then it will take you to a proper family structure. Those who are attentive will realize why Islam has taken a certain stance when it comes to gender interaction between a maḥram and a non-maḥram—for example, why is it that a woman should not adorn herself before going out; why should she not converse with a man flauntingly; why should a man not gaze at a woman with lust? The reason for all these regulations is to strengthen the foundation of the small family unit. In this way, the heart and eyes of a woman will not be deflected elsewhere nor will the heart and eyes of a man wander elsewhere. What will result is a strong family unit.
Positive Upbringing of Children
Another important issue to consider is children. The first place in which a person’s soul, emotions, and thoughts can be kindled is within the family. In fact, it begins before the person is born and is influenced by a number of different factors. There are, undoubtedly, external forces as well—a person’s school, neighbourhood, friends, teachers, books, etc.—which can influence children in their youth and adolescence. All of these can certainly change a child’s way of thinking and can sometimes override the influence of the family. Nevertheless, what ultimately sets the stage is the family ambience. It is within the family that a child can be nurtured to be decent, inquisitive, helpful, affectionate, and considerate, or they could be raised to be the opposite. A couple’s relationship with each other—whether it be healthy or detrimental—can have a tremendous effect on the family ambience. Hence, the tie that binds the marriage and family can leave an important, lasting, and fateful impact not only on the family itself but also on society as a whole. This is not a minor issue; it is of great importance. Therefore, let us take this matter seriously, and exert all that we have to make the family atmosphere a healthy one, coupled with mutual love and trust.
Having children is one of a woman’s most important responsibilities, as well as one of her greatest challenges. Bringing up children is truly an art for women; it is she who must bear the difficulties and it is to her that God has granted the means of upbringing. He did not give this ability to men, but to women. He granted her patience; He gifted her with affection; He endowed her with sensitivity; and He invested her with a body to bear it. This is a woman’s talent.
Hence, I advise all families, and especially the mothers, to pay close attention to children’s hygiene and diet, as the best food for an infant is breast milk. It was very popular under the previous regime to follow the Western fad of feeding your baby formula and mothers were doing everything they could to avoid breast-feeding. Islam does not approve of this. Fortunately, these days, scientists have confirmed that breastfeeding is best and encourage mothers to practice this; breast milk is the best milk for a child. It is important to provide healthy, pure, and good food for your children. Families need to increase in size. The custom of limiting the number of children, as is common today, is not right.
The Binding Matter of Love
Another issue I want to raise is that in a family, both the husband and wife need to feel responsible towards one another. They should not think that they are two individuals who have simply decided to live together under the same roof. They are actually two parts of a single reality, two sides of the same coin. They are a zawj, which means a pair. If one of them is taken out of the equation, the other is incomplete; in other words, each one of them completes the other.
Allow me to offer an analogy. A couple is like two comrades defending a single bunker; their fates are inextricably bound together. When one of them sleeps, the other stands guard and vice versa. Neither of them can escape their collective fate, a fate that can be undermined by either one of them or both. They are connected together, and if they wish to survive, they must keep this connection in mind. The more they are able to strengthen this partnership, the more beneficial it will be for them. If you ask me how they can strengthen this bond, it is through love and affection.
When the marriage formula is recited, love finds its way into the hearts of the newlywed couple through the grace of God. This flower of love will begin to blossom. You must protect it, water it, and keep it fresh; do not let it wilt and do not neglect it. If you do this, it will remain fresh and full of vigour. As Rumi says, “love turns thorns to flowers.” This is exactly how it is.
The most important thing that keeps the family structure strong and lively is love. Love is the cement of any relationship. The fundamental mortar that holds the family together and keeps its foundation strong is love, love, love. Hence, you must keep this love alive. Love is something that needs to be protected; it will not endure on its own. So protect it. A woman needs to kindle this love in her husband’s heart and the husband must nurture this love in his wife’s heart. The only real way to do this is by being pleasant, united, and honest with one another in life. Be faithful to one another. When a husband and wife are faithful to each other, it creates love, and when this love is present, everything else falls into place.
No one is flawless and there is no perfect spouse on the face of the earth. Therefore, do not magnify each other’s flaws. When there is love in the equation, it can cover any flaw that a person can find in another. It will prevent small matters from becoming amplified into large problems. Both husbands and wives should know that the key to increasing and deepening the love between them lies within their own hands. They can deepen their love everyday with good manners and kind behaviour, with intelligence and diplomacy, and with proper interactions. There is no such thing as too much love between a man and his wife. One of the places where there is no limit to this love is between a husband and wife. The more you love one another, the more trust it will bring about between you. Such a love between a husband and wife is actually God-given and desirable. The more it increases, the better it is.
Importance of Trust
However, like anything else, love must be protected and guarded. It is not something that a person can leave unattended for years and expect to find it as he left it. You must keep this love fresh and alive. That which binds a family together is love. It truly transforms life into a source of peace. That is why you must desire it; hence, if your spouse shows affection, reciprocate this affection, and do so genuinely from the depth of your heart. The best way to nurture love in the family is by creating trust between you and your spouse. Try and earn your spouse’s trust, and you spouse will feel more comfortable around you and more at ease. In return, you should trust your spouse as well and rest assured. When each spouse manages to gain the other’s trust, the love between them will increase day by day. In contrast, when there is no trust between spouses, the very foundation of love becomes weak and unstable.
The veil and sacred boundaries that Islam has put between men and women are in place for this very reason. The husband and wife should feel that the emotional, sexual, and passionate attraction that exists between them must remain exclusively between them; neither of them should seek it in a third party outside of the marriage. Only then will this trust be formed in its full and complete sense.
So when Islam keeps insisting on lowering your gaze and when it prescribes certain things for women and other things for men, it is because the gaze which you direct on another individual is actually a part of your spouse’s share that you have deprived them of. It matters not whether you are a man or a woman; with that gaze, you have transferred a share outside of the marriage and now there is something missing within the marriage. The love between you will weaken and with this, the very foundation of the family will be in jeopardy. You have sold that which you need in exchange for that which will harm you.
In the family, the foundation of love is trust. If a husband and wife lose their trust in one another—for example, if the wife suspects her husband of lying to her or if the husband suspects the same of his wife—and both of them feel that the other is not being genuine in their expressions of love, the foundation of this love will weaken. If you wish for the trust to remain, you must learn to trust in one another. It entails affability, cordiality, observing etiquette, and observing the legislated bounds and limits of religion. Do not let this love dissipate; do not be indifferent to it; protect this love. Indeed, love is God-given but preserving it and increasing it lies in our hands.
The parents of the spouses play an important role in increasing this love; the parents of each spouse should encourage their son or daughter to love their partner. For example, if they see something they disapprove of in their daughter-in-law or son-in-law, they should not be so quick to mention it to their child. Rather, they should leave it for the couple to sort out their own problems as a way of becoming closer and more intimate day by day. When love is strong, everything becomes possible—with love, you can correct bad habits, you can correct irreligiosity, you can overlook faults, and you can mutually enjoin the good and forbid the evil. All problems can be solved with love.
How can one ensure that love endures? How can a wife ensure that she keeps her husband’s heart? It is by earning his trust, letting him feel reassured that she is faithful with what he has entrusted her—i.e., his secrets, his close ones, his reputation, and his possessions. And how can a husband ensure that he keeps his wife’s heart? It is in the same way, and it is by respecting her. It cannot be a superficial or ceremonial respect, but a genuine one. Genuine respect does not mean you end up calling each other with formal titles; rather, it means that the husband harbours a sense of respect for his wife in his heart and that the wife harbours a sense of respect for her husband in her heart likewise.
A Covering for One Another
A man must never feel he can disrespect or ignore his spouse just because he is faithful to her. For example, if the husband comes home late because he has been outside of the home spending time with his friends, relatives, and acquaintances, while the wife has been at home, alone, either eating by herself or tired, or waiting to have a meal with her husband, this is called neglecting your spouse. If love is snow, then this kind of behaviour will melt it. Similarly, if the wife leaves her husband at home while she spends time conversing with her sister or having fun at a friend’s gathering, while he is sitting at home waiting for her—or if they have a child, he is left looking after them for several hours—and she is completely unconcerned about him—about his food, his clothing, etc.—then this can also destroy love.
Be mindful and avoid doing anything that may cause resentment or weariness to grow between you. Find out what your spouse is highly sensitive to and refrain from provoking them in that regard. Some people are completely unmindful about this. For example, a man could have a habit that really annoys his wife but he persists in it, unconcerned about his wife’s feelings about it. This is harmful for the relationship. Similarly, a woman may often put her own wants—i.e., for them to buy a certain product, or go to a certain place, etc.—over her husband’s comfort and peace. Does this have more priority over the marriage? The most important thing is the relationship between the two individuals; everything else in the world is secondary. Look after one another and be considerate to each other.
Love is not a mountain that will remain on its own; it needs to be protected. It is like a flower—it must be cared for, watered, and nurtured. As long as love endures, the family ambience will be pleasurable. Strive to ensure that your children are nurtured in an atmosphere of mutual love and purity.
At the same time, do not compromise on principles. Do not allow your spouse or your child to break a law, to sin, to be immoral, or to spread corruption. Of course, these matters must not be addressed in a rash and reckless manner; rather, with the help of wisdom and prudence, try to remove each other’s shortcomings. If you can do this, life will bloom, future generations will be rectified, and order will established. These lives will remain and will not be destroyed.
The Qurʾān describes the husband and wife as clothing for one another:
هُنَّ لِباسٌ لَكُم وَأَنتُم لِباسٌ لَهُنَّ
… they are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them … (Baqarah, 2:187)
Men are clothes which cover their wives and women are clothes which cover their husbands. What is the purpose of clothing? Clothes have many uses: they protect man, they beautify him, and they cover his defects. When a man is clothed, if he has any defects on his body, they will be covered. Moreover, clothing will adorn a man, protect him from heat and cold, and prevent a stranger from seeing parts of his body that they are not permitted to see. Now, a husband and wife have exactly the same relationship with one another—they must be an adornment, a protector, a preserver, and a maḥram for each other. Hence, for a man or woman to reveal the secrets of each other to their friends or neighbours is unacceptable. For them to abuse each other’s trust is unacceptable. This is not fidelity.
Each side must trust the other and gain the other’s trust through their own actions. They must adorn each other and cover each other’s defects. There are some who take every opportunity to complain about their spouse—“he did this” or “she said that.” Even if your spouse has a defect, do not expose it to everyone indiscriminately. Each one of you is a garment, a covering, a protector, an adornment, and a source of dignity for the other. If you abide by this, your life will be fruitful. If you find that your life is unsettled, perhaps it is because you have fallen short on these matters. Of course, this is not to say that they are always both to blame; however, it is often the case that both partners do have a share in the blame. Nevertheless, if you are vigilant, your life will be pleasant and the family habitat will become a safe haven.
If a woman feels a sense of psychological and moral security within the house; if she experiences comfort and sakan (tranquillity); if her husband has truly become a garment for her as she is a garment for him; if there is love and mercy between them as the Qurʾān has encouraged; if the Qurʾānic injunction of “the wives have rights similar to the obligations upon them” (Baqarah, 2:228) is implemented; if all of these foundational principles exist, then the difficulties outside of the house will become easier for a woman to bear. In fact, she will triumph over such difficulties. If a woman can reduce the difficulties in her own refuge and fort, she will undoubtedly be able to do so in society as well.
Keeping Each Other on the Heavenly Path
The family household is a place of cooperation, and the couple needs to help and support one another in it. This does not mean that a wife has to do her husband’s paperwork or that the husband should put on an apron and go to work in the kitchen. These forms of assistance may be very helpful but they fall short of the ultimate target. The greatest support that a husband and wife can offer one another is to help each other stay on the path of God. They must assist each other in preserving their faith and protecting the well-being of one another, both in thought and in practice. Each spouse should become a spiritual sentry for the other and keep watch over them, not like a spy or informant, but like a true guardian angel. There are times when God’s angels protect His servants and pray for their forgiveness and this is precisely how a couple needs to be.
Individuals must work towards attaining true human perfections on the path of God, which include proximity to God (taqarrub ilā Allah), becoming qualified by His qualities (takhalluq bi akhlāq Allah), purifying the soul (tahḍīb al-nafs), and becoming transformed into light (nūr) on the plane of this earth.
لِمِثلِ هـٰذا فَليَعمَلِ العامِلونَ
Let all workers work for the like of this! (Sāffāt, 37:61)
Not only should they strive for these perfections, but they should assist others in attaining them also.
This is a long journey and one fraught with danger and obstacles. Even though it is the straight path, there are many channels towards it. One cannot undertake this journey by simply wishing it; rather, one must embark upon it with one’s heart, one’s determination, one’s effort, and one’s action.
Sisters, help your husbands in this regard. If, for instance, he is studying to acquire knowledge that can be beneficial to other people, then help him with this task. If he wishes to do a good deed, stand beside him. If he is struggling for a just cause and the truth, then be swift in aiding him. If he is striving to strengthen his faith, assist him. If he wants to go on a spiritual retreat (iʿtikāf), support him. If he is required to take a necessary trip or difficult assignment, then be there for him.
A woman can prevent her husband from being hurled into the precipice of hell. Whether it is within the household, the workplace, the economic market, or the political arena, a man can stumble and make mistakes. These mistakes can gradually take him to the edge of a cliff, and with one act of negligence, he can tumble to the bottom of the precipice. But a woman can prevent this from happening. When a woman senses that her husband is in difficulty at his workplace or anywhere outside of the house—and many times, women are able to sense this regardless of whether it is financial, political, etc.—it behoves her to help him so that he may overcome his challenges. This is only possible with cordiality, advice, and appropriate words. We know of many women who, in this way, have taken their husbands from the edge of hell to the gates of heaven. Husbands can also do the same—they can prevent their wives from falling into such predicaments. So protect each other, and be persistent in the path of God. Encourage each other towards God-wariness, worship, sincerity, trustworthiness, purity, modesty, and good deeds.
Some men earn a living from illicit sources. When a wife finds out about this, she should use her tactful feminine abilities and elegance to persuade her husband against this type of illicit income. A woman can easily ascertain when her husband has diverted from the straight path in financial, economic, work-related, political, or moral matters. She can do this by reading the signs. A man can do the same in relation to his wife as well. It is then that a moral barrier needs to be erected; this does not mean that one must start a fight or use harsh words. Rather, like a caring nurse or doctor, one must ensure that the family does not fall victim to this plight. Unfortunately, there are times when the opposite happens—the man may not be inclined to earn an illicit income, but his wife may pressure or force him into doing so.
Sisters, do not let your husbands embark on the path of sin and immorality, and if they have already done so, do not let them continue on that path. At the same time, when you see your husbands doing the right thing, help and encourage them. Brothers, when you see that your wives are serving the community, educating themselves, spreading the faith, or focusing on their supererogatory prayers, encourage and assist them. There are women who pave the way towards heaven for their husbands as there are women who pave the way towards hell; likewise, there are men who pave the way towards heaven for their wives as there are men who pave the way towards hell. When we advise the couple to help and protect each other, we mean that they should make one another deserving of heaven.
“A believer is a believer’s compeer.” They are counterparts to one another. The faith that lies within them is everything to them. If your faith is less than your spouse’s is, you must increase it; if your spouse’s faith is less than yours is, you must help them with theirs. If your spouse does not know how to pray, if they do not give importance to prayer, if they are unmindful of ablution and ritual purity, if they are over-focused on external appearances, if they are extravagant, if they are lacking in moral fibre, or if they are tainted with a particular vice, then it is binding on you to help them reform and rectify them. In fact, you can be more effective in this regard than others. A decent young woman who is modest and strong in her faith can influence her husband to a large degree. Now some women use this influence to direct their husbands’ wealth towards purchasing clothing, furniture, or useless objects, while others utilize this same influence to incline their husbands’ hearts towards God, and to direct their wealth towards charity, humanitarian aid for the needy, public welfare, and community affairs. Similarly, a young man has considerable influence over his wife, often more so than her father, mother, sister, brother, or teacher.
Advise and protect each other. A woman should be vigilant—if she senses that her husband is deviating from the path of God, she should prevent this with her kind words, deeds, and good counsel. A man should be the same in relation to his wife. This ‘protection’ can only be achieved through love, cordial words, proper logic, and wise interaction; it cannot be attained through harshness or force. Protect each other in the way of God and encourage one another towards truth and patience. Be an exemplar in your family of the following verse:
وَتَواصَوا بِالحَقِّ وَتَواصَوا بِالصَّبرِ
and enjoin one another to [follow] the truth, and enjoin one another to patience. (al-ʿAṣr, 103:3)
Not only must the man advise his wife to follow the truth, to be patient, and to persevere in the path of God, but the woman must also counsel her husband to follow the truth, to be patient, and to persevere in the path of God. If a young, believing, reverent, revolutionary, and modest woman decides to act according to this verse—i.e., if she advises her husband to be God-wary, to abstain from self-indulgence, and to live by God’s pleasure—this will certainly be much more influential on her husband than anything or anyone else. This advice will have more of an effect on him than any other advice as long as it is said with words of love and affection. It will have an effect on the children as well.
Marriage: A Spiritual or Material Transaction
Marriage is a spiritual, immaterial, and cordial transaction. It is not like a financial transaction that involves funds, cheques, or bank drafts; rather, it is a transaction between hearts and souls. As such, one should not emphasize the financial or material aspects of it, because these aspects can destroy life. The foundation of marriage is a human affair, not a material one. According to Imām Zayn al-ʿĀbidīn (ʿa), wealth can be enchanting: “erase from their hearts the thought of enchanting possessions.” It is like a geometric progression—the more that wealth increases, the exponentially greater is its seductive power. Hence, a man must have full control over himself so that his wealth does not consume him, as it so often does. We should not let this seductive wealth make its way into the arena of love, affection, and the exchange of hearts. Some people demand an extremely high dowry; in effect, they have turned this human affair of marriage into a business deal or commercial transaction. This degrades and abases the human value of marriage and is completely unacceptable.
There are some individuals that turn marriage—which is a human, affectionate, and conscientious affair—into an opportunity for showing off. They say in a flaunting manner, “our daughter’s marriage gift included these items; what about yours?” Or, for example, they brag about the venue of the wedding ceremony. This is nothing but vain rivalry. It produces nothing but error upon error. Not only are we tainting the marriage with materialism, but we are also transforming this pure and delicate moment into an arena of ostentation, extravagance, and vainglory. Consequently, the newlyweds now feel they should base their marriage on opulence and ostentation. Why do we do this? Let the newly married couple become habituated to a modest and balanced life from the beginning. Opulence is harmful to society as a whole. People do not disagree with materialism because they are not aware of its enjoyments, but because they know the detriment it causes to society. They see it as a toxic pill or substance and they know that society will suffer from an excess of it. In moderation, there is no problem with enjoying material possessions, but when it turns into rivalry and the idea of keeping up with the Joneses, it has transgressed those bounds and has entered into another arena, thus causing harm to society. So for us to bring this toxic culture into the environs of marriage is far more detrimental.
Some individuals regard the bride’s marriage gift or the groom’s dowry as a type of investment; they ask her family what marriage gift they will be providing, or when a man proposes, they ask him what dowry he is offering. It is as if they are doing some kind of business transaction or exchanging goods! This sort of attitude is completely unacceptable. Marriage is a human affair, a transaction of the hearts, and an exchange of emotions. The more it contains of spirituality, the greater benefit it will bring to the new family.
Islam has ordained a dowry for marriage, but this is not in order to debase marriage and turn it into a business transaction. There is no exchange taking place here, because both parties are investing in something that belongs to them both. Marriage is not like a purchase or exchange where you give one thing in return for another. Nothing is given nor taken; rather, both parties are investing themselves in something shared between them, for their mutual benefit. This is what marriage is all about.
Material considerations should play a minimal role in all of this, which is why we say a women’s dowry should not be too high. In Islam, the dowry is a necessary condition of the marriage contract, but it should be a moderate amount. The reason I have said that we should not make the dowry more than fourteen gold coins is because I want to make this point. From a jurisprudential point of view, a marriage contracted with fifteen, sixteen, or even one thousand gold coins is completely valid. There is no problem in it. Some people have said three hundred and thirteen gold coins is the limit, in an effort to make it religiously symbolic. We say that even if you set your dowry at 124,000 gold coins—the number of all the prophets ever sent to mankind—your marriage contract will still be valid; however, one cannot overlook the other problems that will arise as a result. The newlyweds will face greater problems in society and within their own family. I wanted to set a limit for the dowry so that families would stop vaunting the amount of dowry they received. When I emphasized the limit of fourteen gold coins and warned against ostentation, many people nodded their heads in approval; yet a handful, perhaps lacking in foresight, do not seem to pay any heed, to their own detriment. Their actions do not affect me; rather, they are causing injury to their own selves.
Unfortunately, there are some individuals who use up every opportunity that life has given them in showing off and competing with others. They lie in wait for others to make a move; if the other takes one step, they take two. In marriage, for example, they feel that they must set their daughter’s dowry slightly higher than what other people have set their daughter’s dowry at, precisely like at an auction! Some people have taken up this custom, and it is not right. If life was all about competing, then many households would lose in this competition.
Moreover, those who think that setting their daughter’s dowry high is a form of respect to her are wrong as well; in fact, this is a form of disrespect because they are reducing the ‘commodity’ in this human transaction—i.e., one of the two ‘commodities’ of this human transaction—to the level of mere merchandise. It is as if they are putting a monetary value to their daughter. No amount of money can compensate your daughter’s worth! Those who assume that a low dowry would weaken their daughter’s marriage are also mistaken; if a marriage is based on love and correct principles, it cannot be shaken even if it is devoid of a dowry. Conversely, if a marriage is founded on malice, guile, dishonesty, and deceit, no matter how high the dowry is, an evil, oppressive husband will find a way to avoid paying it. No dowry, no matter how high, can prevent a divorce. What prevents a divorce are one’s morals and actions, as well as abiding by the teachings of Islam.
In the early days of Islam, the Prophet (ṣ) entered the mosque and announced that a girl with particular qualities was looking for a husband. He asked if anyone would like to offer his hand in marriage to her. A young man stood up and said, “I would like to.” The Prophet (ṣ) asked him what dowry he would offer. He informed the Prophet (ṣ) that he would offer something to the value of a bunch of dates or a basket of dates. The Prophet (ṣ) accepted this dowry on behalf of the girl, performed their marriage contract at that moment, introduced him to his spouse, and told them, “Now you may go home.”
This may explain the words of Imam Ḥusayn (ʿa) where he is reported to have said, “The dowry we sought on behalf of our daughters and sisters or the dowry we agreed to with our wives was the dowry of the Prophet (ṣ) (mahr al-sunnah).” This was not because they did not have the financial means; if Imam Ḥusayn (ʿa) wanted to contract a marriage with a dowry of one thousand dinars, he could have done so. He did not need to limit his marriage dowry, for instance, to 500 dirhams (12.5 awqiyyah). Even though they could have raised the dowry, they chose not to for a particular reason; this is how Islam envisions marriage. The ostentation and particular ways of conducting the marriage that came about in later years are just embellishments created out of human ignorance. They do not have any proper sensible roots. I earnestly request all of the people of this country to avoid raising the dowry for it is a custom based on ignorance. It is something that neither God nor the Prophet (ṣ) are pleased with, particularly in this day and age. I am not saying that it is forbidden by Islam or that it invalidates the marriage contract; what I am saying is that it goes against the customs of the Prophet (ṣ), the Imams (ʿa), and the great Islamic scholars.
The same principle applies to the marriage gift, except that this factor is out of my control; it is entirely in your hands. Be vigilant about this. If someone has the money, there is a strong temptation to add things to their daughter’s marriage gift and it is not very difficult to justify the additional expense. Unfortunately, there are some people who, despite not having the adequate funds, still put themselves and their families through great difficulties, sometimes burdening themselves with tremendous amounts of debt in order to prepare a good marriage gift. Why do the girls’ families put themselves through such difficulties in order to prepare the marriage gift? And they do not just suffice themselves with any gift, but rather go searching for extravagant and expensive ones—things that are absolutely unnecessary and redundant. It seems that the only motivation is to impress others and to ensure that their marriage gift is no less than the one received by this family member, or that neighbour, or this friend. At times, it is because the father wishes to please his daughter. But he should know that there are other ways to please her while still ensuring a modest marriage gift. A marriage gift is only supposed to cover the couple’s basic needs in order to allow them to start a life together. The rest is up to them and they should work it out together with God’s help; it is not the parents’ responsibility.
There are many individuals that really stretch themselves, not only to provide a comprehensive marriage gift for their daughter, but also to ensure that it includes the most expensive or fashionable brands. They actually oblige themselves for this task, trying to get everything they can, including the latest and newest products. What is the need for all this? It is a serious mistake. The bride and groom are only two people who want to start a life together and to live like everyone else. If you have the means, you can buy a fridge for the new couple; if you do not have the means, you do not need to buy it. It should not reach the point where you end up looking everywhere, in almost every store, to find things for the marriage gift.
Sisters, do not allow for this. Even if your parents insist on it, do not let this take place. What will you do with all these expensive products and appliances? If you wish to go shopping for the marriage gift and the ceremony, there is no need to go to the most classy areas of the city that are known for carrying the most expensive products. Suffice yourselves with the average stores. Moreover, let it not come to the point where the groom is also dragged into this in order to buy things for the marriage and the bride; unfortunately, this is also being done.
This, in no way implies that marriage gifts should not be provided for the new couple; it is a necessity after all. What is wrong is making it extravagant and going to extremes, particularly if it entails that the bride’s family will have gone beyond their means thereby falling into hardship as a result. This is simply unacceptable.
A large dowry and an extravagant marriage gift does not make a girl more fortunate nor does it grant a family the peace, tranquillity, and comfort that it requires. These are life’s luxuries and excesses, and have no real benefit. Rather, they only increase us in worries and agitation, at times going beyond this to actually create crises. Hence, it is better to cut down these things as much as possible.
A New Life of Simplicity
Let not the foundations of your new life be based on extravagance. Take the reins of your life and govern it with simplicity and frugality. Now when I say simplicity, this is not to suggest that beauty or beautification is a bad thing; Islam has no objection to beauty, beautification, or anything that can create a pleasant environment for the human soul as long as it does not lead to waste, extravagance, excess, or ostentation. Do not enslave yourselves to formalities. Once you enter the arena of formalities, there is no turning back. There are some people who make life difficult for themselves by being overly concerned with appearances and formalities. The type of clothing, housing, furniture, display items, furnishings, etc. that they choose only makes it difficult for them to keep up with that standard. If they wished, they could have avoided this predicament. Start from now, as you are getting married, to choose a simple, modest, and sufficient life. Live your lives in a way that will make God happy. Make use and take benefit from all the good things that God has created, but make sure that you do so with moderation and justice. Both of these are important. This means being fair and considering how other people are living too. Do not create gaps between yourselves and other people.
Be content with what you have, and do not feel ashamed by this contentment. There are those who assume that contentment is only for those who are poor or less fortunate and that if you have wealth, you do not need to practice contentment. This is not true. Contentment is when a man stops at what he needs. A life of formalities, a life of ostentation, a life of aristocracy, a life of excessive spending, and a life of extravagance can bring about misfortune. One should live a life of sufficiency and comfort, not wastefulness or excess. Why is it that some people confuse the two? Sufficiency means not to depend on others but to manage one’s life without having to rely on them.
High material expectations can straiten one’s life and lead to depression; if a person lowers his expectations in life, he will find felicity. This is not only beneficial for the Hereafter, but also for the life here in this world. I advise all of you young, believing women against falling into the trap of consumerism that the West has spread like a disease across the globe, including even developing nations such as ours. God’s curse be on those who imported the immoral and alien cultural practices of the West and who shook the very foundations of married life that existed within our own culture and which were derived from Islam itself. They preoccupied our young men and women with formalities and ostentation. Spending should be based on what is necessary, not what is excessive.
The Importance of Accommodating Each Other
A key point to focus on is that the foundation of a good marriage is that both parties get along with each other. They must learn to work together. This kind of ‘getting along’ has a very deep meaning. Once, I went to see Imam Khomeini (r) as he was about to solemnize a couple’s marriage. As soon as he saw me, he asked me to recite one part of the marriage formula. Contrary to what we usually do, he solemnized the marriage first. Then, instead of giving a long sermon about marriage, he uttered a few words of advice to the newlyweds. He turned to the couple and said, “Go and accommodate each other.” At the time, I thought to myself how we normally give such long talks and yet here the Imam summarized all of it in a single sentence—“Go and accommodate each other.”
My advice to you is the same: Go and accommodate each other. Let your efforts, particularly during the first phase of your life, be directed towards working together. Live with one another, long for each other, and show love to one another.
Do not have high expectations of each other. Your spouse is not an angel, free from all faults, vices, and deficiencies, so do not expect this of them. We have this tendency when we are young—to paint an image of the ideal spouse in our minds. But this person does not exist, neither in this city nor in this country nor anywhere on this planet. This ideal image of a spouse—free from any fault or blemish—simply does not exist. All of us have our faults and this is just part of being human. We may be immune from one particular fault but there will be other faults lurking within us. Ultimately, we are flawed creatures and this applies to all of us.
Now, as long as we are far from each other, we are blissfully unaware of these faults. However, as soon as we marry and find ourselves living together, these defects begin to surface. Are we going to resent this? No, we must accept life as we find it and work with it. One thing we must definitely not do when we see flaws and imperfections in our partner is to make those flaws bigger than they really are and let ourselves be resentful or miserable about them. Human beings are complex creatures; having negative traits is part of being human as is having positive traits. Of course, there are some flaws which we can overcome and we should; but there are others—physical or psychological—that cannot be corrected. We must live with these flaws and realize that, ultimately, a man’s worth is based on how conscious and wary he is of God (taqwā). Both partners must try and increase their God-wariness and raise themselves due to it. If one is able to raise oneself due to their God-wariness, this is a distinction. Let the husband and wife assist each other in this race to attain God-wariness.
If you discover a flaw in your spouse tomorrow, do not say to them, “oh, you have a defect!” Every spouse in the world has a defect. A man must know that every woman in the world has a flaw and there is no woman who is flawless. A woman must also know that every man in the world has a flaw. The only exception to this rule are the Infallibles (ʿa) who are preserved from such flaws.
Flaws can be large or small, but in either case, we must accommodate them. These flaws must be acknowledged wherever we find them—in our interactions, in our family lives, and in our social lives. As mentioned, no man is without flaws except for the Infallibles (ʿa). Having stated that, if we study the lives of the Imams from a material point of view, we will find that despite the fact that they were the manifestations of all goodness, their lives contained many difficulties, ultimately ending in their martyrdom. Of course, from our perspective, martyrdom is one of the greatest honours and virtues. But from a material point of view, it can be considered a flaw since it means that one’s life is unfairly shortened. The point is that you will not find anyone who is completely free of problems. Everyone has problems. So, if tomorrow, you find a problem in your spouse, do not say regretfully, “I wish I had married someone without this problem.” Just know that even if you had married someone else, you would have had to deal with a different problem. So accommodate one another and do not give up your love for one another.
When it comes to the family, working together and compromising is not something that should be looked down upon. It is a positive trait; in fact, it is a necessary trait. As much as we say it is bad to compromise with America, with the Zionists, with the oppressors, when it comes to your spouse, it is good to compromise and accommodate each other. Of course, compromising with friends is good too, but the best of compromises is when it is with your spouse. With the enemy, there is no compromise or surrender; but with the spouse, there should be compromise and surrender. A husband and wife should not decide that whatever they say or whatever they like or whatever gives them their individual comfort is the rule. This is not how it should be. They need to follow a model where they are accommodating each other. If you see that you will not get what you want except by giving in, it is better to give in. Naturally, this applies to both parties, but a woman is able to show this to a greater degree due to her soft disposition and more delicate nature. Men should not take this as a green light to do whatever they please, or to make unreasonable demands and expect their wives to accommodate them. Men must be fair and just. Moreover, this does not mean that women must follow their husbands everywhere and agree with him in every matter. No such idea exists in Islam or in the Islamic law.
الرِّجالُ قَوّامونَ عَلَى النِّساءِ
Men are the managers of women … (al-Nisā, 4:34)
This verse does not mean that the wife must follow her husband in everything. No, this is not what is intended. At the same time, we cannot be like those people who have not only taken on European attitudes but also go further by saying that women should be in control and men should simply follow! This is also incorrect. At the end of the day, a husband and wife are two partners and two companions. At times, the man must be the one to compromise and at times, the woman. At times, one partner must forgo their preferences and at times, the other. If they do this, they will be able to live together. The Islamic Republic is neither the rule of men nor the rule of women; it is the rule of the family.
An uncompromising attitude makes life bitter. God created the husband and wife to bring tranquillity and peace to their shared life, and if they refuse to accommodate each other, it will rob them of their spiritual tranquillity. This is why when you share your life with someone else, working together and making compromises is essential. For the sake of a sweet and serene life, both parties should be willing to accept and be patient with the shortcomings of each other. Islam has provided a set of teachings for people to follow with regards to their family that naturally solves their problems. It tells men to observe certain things and women to observe certain things; if these teachings are followed, no family will fall into ruin. The truth is that most marriages fail because the couple has not followed these teachings. One does not know how to be considerate; the other does not know how to be prudent; one is excessively irascible; the other is lacking in patience. These are all problems—this one’s anger is a problem and that one’s obstinacy is also a problem. But if they can curb their anger and be considerate with each other’s mistakes—in other words, if they can compromise and accommodate each other—then no family will ever fall into ruin.
At the same time, Islam does not trap a couple in a failed marriage. If due to unfortunate circumstances, a couple is unable to make their marriage work and they are not a good match, there is a way open for them and they can separate. However, they should try and accommodate each other as long as they are able to. Neither the husband nor the wife should ever tell their partner, “I am better than you.” What does ‘being better’ even mean? Does it mean that one’s father is better than the other’s father? This is utter nonsense. Does it mean that one’s wealth is more than the other’s wealth? This is also nonsense. Islam does not consider wealth to be a sign of superiority. Does it mean that one is more beautiful than the other? Again, this is absurd. Since when has Islam considered beauty to be a criterion of superiority? Does it mean that one is more wary of God than the other? If this really was the case, it would never be expressed in words. Yes, the only criterion for superiority is one’s God-wariness (taqwā) and religiosity, yet a person who is truly wary of God would never vocalize this. Any person who says, “I am better” or “I am more wary of God” is actually not very wary of God. He is only showing his moral weakness. Hence, it makes no sense for a husband or wife to tell their spouse that they are better. Islam does not accept the idea that just because your father is wealthier or your family is more reputable and has connections to people in power and position that you are somehow superior.
Therefore, work together and accommodate each other. Appreciate what you have been blessed with and consider it God’s gift to you. If you do this, God will shower his blessings on you.